am back into the high risk clinic, where all the medical officers and professors show their concern towards me. i sincerely feel it. they have been topping up my medications (a total of $XXX at each routine check up) to prep my cervix for a full-term birth. i’m back into taking progesterone to stabilize my gateway. the last time, with Fateena, i was given shots on my bum once a week at 26 weeks onwards till i almost pop. this time, it’s in a pill form from 18 weeks till birth; no more shots for me. and i have to tell you, i had to set an alarm to remind me to take them twice a day. why? because i am a very forgetful person; pills and i do not get along. and making my cervix strong for the baby is WAY important. we do not want another pre-term birth, do we?
i have people telling me how easy it is for me to get pregnant. i have two answers; yes and no.
1)yes. quite easily, my egg gets fertilized at the right time and when we are ready to have another baby.
2)no. being pregnant, there is always a chance of me going pre-term, at risk of complications and with this one, hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) has decided to join the bandwagon.
since my second answer sounds scary and crazy, why do i still choose to go through it again? thing is, unless i have medical conditions or life-threatening terminal illness, i do not see why i cannot have another child. although we do sometimes face critically ill bank accounts, a child is always seen as a gift from God. but then 3 is really enough for me LOL. not because of affordability is a question mark but more of not wanting to go through HG again. if all my pregnancies were fluffy, i’d have more. truly!
now at 29 weeks, my yeast infection has begun. just like the last time. oh those little pessaries do make me nervous. i hate having to insert anything into cavities other than my mouth! 😏
if it really does get to be like 3 years ago, then i’d be needing the antibiotics during active labour. so scary!!!!
so how many people i know suffers from hyperemesis gravidarum (hg)? i have not known any. normal, usual morning sickness yes but hg, nope. and who is having it? me!
it started as soon as i got to know i was expecting; at 5 weeks along. it was horrendous and hellish! retching and retching, long dry heaves (peeing, farting, sneezing and coughing came too, all at once) before and after i actually threw up. it was the worst out of all the times i had been pregnant. not just in the morning; it happened at any time of the day. and each day, i had my head over the toilet for more than 6-7 times.
every whiff of scents and smells triggered my guts to violently puke. even thoughts of food could trigger, let alone eating. now this couldn’t just be any morning sickness and i wondered why. thanks to the pregnancy apps in my phone, i read about when morning sickness had gone wrong and waved red flags.
i checked my weight and was alarmed to see that the initial numbers i knew had gone down by 4 kilos. NO WAY! the next few days, i weighed again and lost another kilo. the last straw was when there was blood in my vomit. i cried at my vanity top. why was this happening?!? this was supposed to be my 4th pregnancy (3rd one was lost, through a blighted ovum) and i wanted a smooth sailing, fluffy pregnancy.
right before midnight, with the help of my folks, i checked myself in the emergency department. one blood test after another, urine tests, and i was fixed to a drip of saline for an hour. my ketones were high which meant that i was badly dehydrated. hoping that i would feel better after the drip, the doctor told me that i could go home with meds once my nausea stopped. I prayed; hard.
when the fluid was emptied from the bag, they came back to check on me. i was still nauseous and the doctor confirmed that i had to be warded for further observations, meds, fluids and whatever that needed to be done. that was when they confirmed my diagnosis; hyperemesis gravidarum.
so i stayed for 4 days and was on home leave for 23 days. for the whole time, i was only lying down on a complete bed rest. my back hurt and i had sharp pain on my tail bone. IT SUCKED!!!! and getting up only meant that the toilet would be the first i visit to throw up for 4-5 times. heaving and retching.
now that was not all. yea, nausea and vomitting were part and parcel of most pregnancies. what about showering? and hair washing? the sight of toothbrush and smell of toothpaste? all these were triggers and they were bad. i gotta admit that i did not look forward to showering. i did brush my teeth, which ended up in throwing up and multiple change of underwears. but i couldn’t bring myself to shower because the sensation it gave me was hellish. i washed my face though and gave myself a powder bath, so at the very least i wouldn’t smell so bad 😁
food aversion was another hell. i couldn’t eat anything, not even biscuits, bread or even water. no wonder i lost so much weight. looking at myself in the mirror, i saw a skeleton. not my usual slender self.
everyone was saying that once in 2nd trimester, everything would be ok. heck, there was no such thing with hg. it might have left you for a couple of days but it was always back like the devil seeking revenge after it was exorcised. i joined the hg support group in fb and all of them had it till they gave birth. on and off, yes, but it never went away permanently.
i am 16 weeks now and i have had better days with the meds helping to keep me on my feet. but one thing is for sure that hg is always around and it doesn’t leave. it loves to play peekaboo, and a violent one too. once you have hg, you’ll have it till the end.
Especially if you are on the receiving end.
Seriously, I do not understand some parents. Yes, parents! Parents of young children. How can they be so ignorant of what is going on around them and just continue with shopping for their own wants and needs? This ignorance thing just gets to me, it makes my blood boiling hot.
Yesterday, both hubby and I brought the kids out to the park and then headed to our neighbourhood mall to have a sushi dinner. The dinner was alright, peaceful and fun; trying out some kids’ special meals and we got a shock that we had to pay for the wet towels! To think that we brought wet tissues. Pfft.
And then we went for a window shopping. That was when stupid things happened, when it should have not (or so I thought). We already had our hands full; watching out for Fateha and making sure she walked safely without bumping into anyone or anything. Although she was already walking without support, she would still take a fall or a stumble every now and then. Whenever we were out, we would have hundreds of antennas sticking out of our heads looking out for things and sensing future accidents.
So we stopped at a nameless store selling very cheap things; from facial products to bags. And the goods were all branded stuff. Biotherm, Lancolm, Estee Lauder and whathaveyous. I was intrigued and thought of getting a bottle or two of those miracle anti-aging cream (not that I needed them). They were so cheap, like $5 cheap! How not to get tempted? Until hubby questioned their authenticity.
“I do not think these things are original. They could be fake. Look at the prices!” and with that, my intention of getting some diminished. But we were still in that store, just looking around when a lady with three super active kids stepped inside. And there was another adult with her.
I could still tolerate screaming children, running up and down the mall like they owned it if they were aware of the people around them. But children who ran and chased each other, pushing other people so that they could get away from their “chaser”, THAT really needed a knock on the head from me. I mean literally, of course.
Both our girls were also standing with us, looking at the products we were looking at. Fateena stepped aside to the next shelf. That lady was also standing next to us, grabbing some things from the boxes on the shelves. One of that lady’s kids ran in, trying to hide from her brothers who were chasing her and then she pushed Fateena to the shelf, whose face hit a box, just so that she could grab her mother’s dress.
My jaw dropped. Not because of what she did but because of what her mother did not do. She just continued looking and grabbing some products. Super ignorant at its best. I sucked in the air sharply and closed my eyes. I decided that it was best to leave the store. We grabbed the kids and tried to walk out when the other two boys, who were chasing their little sister, ran in and blocked our way. Fine, just stepped aside and let us out. No, they did not.
Their mother decided that all 5 of them should stand and block us to look at the products. WTH?!? I tell you, I looked at the mother’s face and it was a super ignorant face. How do I know that? She did not even bother to turn around and look if there were anybody walking out. Nope, never. I was standing there, directing my husband and kids to come out and still she just could not move an inch. Her brood were all gathered there at the exit, panting heavily from the chase, sweating profusely and shrieking away.
I was exasperated. I stomped my way towards my kids, grabbed them and made a turn around another aisle and got out! I do not question her way of disciplining kids because to each his own but I want to question her ignorance. How bloody ignorant can she be??? And to think that I knew who she was and thought her ex-husband, who spoke highly of himself, too high and mighty, treating lesser known people like flies, was there too. I knew him back in the blogspot days and Multiply and all. Yea, he was (and maybe still is) a blogger whom I had followed once upon a time.
I spoke to hubby and thanked Allah that our kids were well behaved whenever we went out. I knew that I was blessed to have such kids. I did not deny that kids being kids, sometimes they could drive you to the wall with their antics and all. But that was where adults should step in and redirect them to behaving better. I always stressed this to my kids that whenever they were outside, they had to be on their best behaviour. This included:
1) speaking softly
2) no running about (only in playgrounds and parks)
3) staying together with mommy and daddy
4) hold hands
5) saying excuse me or sorry when accidents happened
6) keeping their hands to themselves (not to touch anything in the shops and stores to avoid breakage)
Socially acceptable behaviour is important, people. Educate our kids so that they will not become a nuisance to the society.
I was surprised that I could get over the miscarriage this quick. I was back to my normal self and started to forget that horrible thing that ripped me apart. I thought people around me would be so glad that I wasn’t a whiner.
I knew that there were women out there who chose not to talk about it. Yea, why should they tell a million of strangers (on fb, twitter blah blah blah) that they had lost a child? It was their personal lives, and that other people should not be bothered to be a part of it.
But not me. I liked to tell. I had always been a teller. Whether it was a small, itty bitty thing that wasn’t significant at all. I would tell.
Anyway, I was about to sleep last night, after the two girls had gone deep into the forest of LaLa Land, when my mind suddenly thought of Little Bub (whom I strongly thought would be a boy). I couldn’t stop thinking of him. I had a tugging in my heart, so strong that I began to tear. A little.
But the tugging was painful. Because, there was my love, probably “visiting” me and I couldn’t see or touch him. Let alone hug him tight. Baby, you there??? Really???
I posted a status in fb, saying that I was thinking of Little Bub and that I missed him. Oh so much! Till now, unconsciously, I would rub my tummy. Maybe I was trying to feel him.
Missing Little Bub made me think of Mom. Almost 35 years ago, a year before she had me, she was carrying my elder brother. She lost him when she was 4 months pregnant, which was a whole lot worst than what I experienced. She had so much bleeding one night that my dad called for an ambulance to ferry her to the hospital. Her abdominal pain was so intense that she prayed to Allah, if it was meant to be, let her keep him. If otherwise, she would sincerely let him go back to Him.
And home to Allah, my brother went. Mom told me that he was so tiny and red, and he had traces of curly hair. And ever since the lost, Mom had been dreaming of my brother every year on his birthday. On each birthday, he would visit in her dreams. Each time in each dream, he had grown into a young boy. He didn’t speak at all. When Mom called him to come with her, he refused and was gone. Mom dreamt of him till his 4th birthday and he stopped visiting.
Now, it got me thinking. Would it be the same for me? Would Little Bub come to visit me in my dreams? I would sure love to see him. He had left many tiny footprints in my heart.
Come visit me, Angel. I’m waiting for you. In my dreams.
I was so happy. Delighted. Ecstatic. Exulted.
It was just last month when I found out that I would be having my third bundle of joy. I would be 9 weeks and 2 days pregnant now if everything had gone well. Two weeks ago, I found out that I had a blighted ovum.
I began to see spotting, which later advanced to bleeding the following week. Though many people (even pregnancy websites) would say that bleeding in the early stages of pregnancy was common, I refused to agree. Deep in my heart, I knew something was not right. At the first sight of blood, I immediately rushed myself to A&E to get an examination. When the OBGYN told me that she found no fetal pole or any heartbeat in my pregnancy sac, my heart shattered into smithereens. It was empty. WHY?!?!
She tried to keep my spirits up by saying that baby could be too small to be seen. But I rejected her idea because I was 7 weeks into my pregnancy. How could a fetus not be detected? When I had Fateena at 6 weeks, I could see her so clearly through the intrauterine assessment. Alive and kicking! I knew, I might have lost my baby somewhere.
The OBGYN gave me an appointment to come back after 2 weeks, so that further examination and diagnosis could be done. And before I left her room, she told me to hope for the best and that we could see baby by then. I was not confident of that.
I had anxiety attack that night. I began to worry and thought of the worst thing that could happen to me and baby. I searched high and low for anything that I had done wrong to cause this loss but I found nothing. I cried myself to sleep, in the shower, on the toilet seat, in the taxi, while lying down on the sofa. My thoughts were set adrift on the images of the ultrasound. Empty. I felt empty.
And I continued to bleed. Not heavy but just bleeding. And on 2 occasions, I passed out red clots the size of half of my palm; one was bright red and jelly-like and the other looked like a small placenta, very veiny. Surprisingly, I had no cramps or abdominal pain or whatsoever. So the thought that I might have an ectopic pregnancy was ruled out. Furthermore, the OBGYN could see the sac in my uterus. I began to Google for an answer and the one that was as closed to my experience was that I might be having a blighted ovum. The embryo had an abnormal development hence the body terminated the pregnancy naturally, and passed it out aka spontaneous miscarriage. I watched videos of moms who had blighted ovum, just to get myself mentally prepared, should my results be known.
And then, 3 days ago, I stopped bleeding and I was cleaned. I went for my appointment, with my two girls tagging along. I was up for another intrauterine ultrasound and this was what they found.
And the OBGYN confirmed that I had a spontaneous miscarriage. Looking at my uterus, she told me I did not need to have a D&C (cleaning up) because my uterus was completely empty, cleaned out with no signs of leftover clots or blood. I was glad that it all happened naturally that I did not have to be warded to be sent for a treatment. Alhamdulillah.
No doubt, I was sad. Shattered. My dreams to have an SG50 baby had crumbled. I was so looking forward to having it next year. I would have my baby in July; the same month of my wedding anniversary. Double celebration. But Allah loved my baby and He knew best, that if it continued, there might be problems. I accepted this fate with open heart and sincerity, that it was just not my luck and rizq to have it.
Dear Little Bub,
Thank you, my Angel, for making me happy. To have you in my tummy, although for a short short while, I was glad that I had you. Even though I did not get to see you through the scan, I could feel you in my heart. I knew you were there inside me. Know that Ibu, Ayah and your sisters had already loved you when we found out that you were going to be ours. However, it is not meant to be because Allah loves you more, Angel. That is why He called you home. Stay there, Angel, for where you are right now, is next to your Creator, the best place that ever existed. Paradise is a confirmed home for you.
I see you when I see you.
I know I have not been writing for too long (due to muscle weakness and lack of brain juice) but there is something that I wanna share with all of you.
Quite recently, I made an FB page for Fateha at The Super Preemie Named Fateha and there I share mostly of her condition and what she is up to. The posts are written in Fateha’s POV, which I wrote of course, with the help of Fateha giving me her ideas (or not).
So do come over for a visit to say hi, like, or comment on the photos or status. If you have kids with CP or are preemies, do drop by and give us a hi.
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Gaah, the school holidays are coming to an end! Why does it always seem to be taking too long for the holidays to arrive and then it passes by so quickly?? It’s not a day or two but it’s a month long holiday! But we managed to squeeze in a four-day road trip to (where else) KL!!! This time, it was a little bit different because we went with 2 extra heads. I mean persons.
(we left the camera at home (duh) and used our handphones instead, hence the poor quality)
And just like our last trip to KL 2 years ago, the hotel’s swimming pool was our first go go go! I didn’t jump in and swim with them. I was just dipping my legs and seated at the pool’s edge, watching them having fun.
the firstborn had long left her aquaphobia and swam to her heart’s content; she didn’t even wanna leave. the same goes to the littler one who was just as excited as her big sister. i couldn’t help but to laugh each time she tried to “drink” the water but of course we got her to stop and put her back in her boat float.
The next morning, we crossed over to the opposite of our hotel – Berjaya Times Square. Yea we’d been here countless of times before but this time, we weren’t here to shop. We decided to bring the kids to the indoor theme park, which Berjaya Times Square was famous for. We got good rates (don’t ask how) and took most of the kiddy rides together. It was meant for families with small children. I thought I wanted to ride on the roller coaster but when I thought about who’s gonna look after the kids if I was up there, I dropped the idea.
This little kiddo. She chickened out! She was afraid of all the rides. She clung to me, gripped my top, shawl and back of neck, buried her face in my chest and refused to get down. No, she wouldn’t even walk. Loud noises scared her crazy! She would shut her eyes so tight that if I were to pry them open, I would, literally, need a crowbar. Hahah!
But it was a totally different scenario with her big sister. Remember how Fateha was afraid of loud noises and dark caves that some rides would glide into and all that kind of things? That person had gone with the wind!!! Fateha was so much braver this time. I was shocked. And terrified. Worried. And definitely, I feared of the falls that she would have. My mind was corrupting me into thinking that she would get trampled on by those rowdy, impatient kids while on the rides. But she did good, no chickened out!
Oh i tell ya, there were kids like that at the theme park. It was a scary sight for me. And when Fateha wanted to ride on the viking ship (kids’ size), I got even worried but I allowed her, though. Asking me a couple of times if she could to ride it. Seeing her so confident and eager to sit in that ship, I didn’t have the heart to say no. Because the ship was kiddie size, adults were not allowed on it. Dang! I was even more anxious.
I got our helper to manage her onto the seat; the operator was also guiding Fateha in (she wore a “special needs” label) and I waited at the side. The other kids, boy, were they rough. It was a relief that no one accidentally pushed Fateha off the steps or else, the beast in me would have to appear and devour those kids. But they were so impatient when coming down from the viking. Luckily, the operator was there and glared at them. Although that was nothing, but it was something…at least.
The next day, we decided to go to I-City in Shah Alam via a taxi.
This Red Carpet housed what Madame Tussauds famous for – wax figures, but the resemblance of the celebrity wax figures were far from Madame Tussauds’. Prince William should have lesser hair and Marilyn Monroe, oh my goodness, far more pretty. The other figures were okay but I could not agree more with my husband that it was the best in Malaysia.
We visited the Haunted House, too. We were all tugging on each other, grabbing everyone’s shirt, with our eye closed. Hubby was leading us through the house hahah. Screaming, jolting and worrying about which figure would jump on us next!
They had Snow Walk (something like Singapore’s Snow City but I haven’t been there)!!! Jackets were free but boots must be rented, if needed and Hubby thought we didn’t need them.
Jackets sizes were crazy. Fateha was wearing an adult sized while Fateena was wearing a size that could fit Fateha better. But they were free, who cares! Once inside, I regretted for not renting a pair of boots. The kids wore covered shoes, it was alright. Hubby and I were on slippers!!! Who in the right mind would wear slippers to walk on ice?
Not only our feet were exposed to the cold, our toes got so chilled that I thought I might be getting frost bites and losing all of them. Everywhere was covered with blocks of ice as well as ice shavings and we almost tripped on our own slippery footwear a number of times! No, I couldn’t take the freezing temperature and found my way outta there, leaving Hubby and Fateha inside.
I-City was alright. I thought it could be better, they should have more wheelchair-friendly entrance or exits, lifts or escalators would be fine too. There were too many staircases and just imagine, if anyone who is wheelchair bound, how are they gonna go down the steps? And the one thing that I thought they should have in placed is a taxi stand, which they lack of. REALLY!!!
I kid you not. We came by a taxi and our driver was asking how were we going back to the hotel? By a taxi, of course, but our driver told us that it would be difficult to get a taxi from I-City. So I expected it to be because of a long queue at the taxi stand or what. But no, it was because there were no taxi stands there. Not even one. We were looking high and low for it under the burning sun. We were sweaty and angry!
And you know, since I-City was built on top of a hill, we had to walk all the way down and out of the area. We walked out onto the busy streets to get a taxi and then we finally got one. Phew! The only thing that we were complaining to each other was that the taxi was very stuffy. The air-con was not working!!! We got more sweaty and the kids passed out (as in slept throughout the journey back to the hotel). No, the driver didn’t even wind down the windows. I wouldn’t mind if he did that cos I missed the feeling of getting my face “beaten” by the rough winds.
Anyway, if anyone planning on going to I-City, do drive there. No taxis or cabs. Just drive!