how it all began
right, so where shall we start? hold on, i’m new here :p
i got pregnant when i was into the 4th day of marriage. yeah, bunting pelamin, like what elders of the tribe would say, huh. i guess it’s true after all. morning sickness was really sick! i really hated it and at those times, some people had to piss me. grrr.
it wasn’t a smooth pregnancy. i was stressed at work and sometimes at home. the comments i got from people, who pretended to be concern or maybe they were but didn’t know how to put it nicely, were not forgiving at all!!! since it was my first pregnancy, i didn’t know much about what to do. they kept saying my baby bump wasn’t showing. it was too small…da da da…da da da.
my bump at 4 months
all that was still O-Kay. but when new year began, new school term started…it was a disaster! total disaster i tell you. it had only been the first 3 days of school and i was 25 weeks into the pregnancy. the pressure of having VERY new students were too great for me and baby. so what exactly happened?
i had a show after week 1 of school. we rushed to the hospital that very night and i was admitted. the on-duty gynae told me i was already dilating 2cm. since baby was still TOO young, they jabbed me to hold on for at least 2 more weeks as my pregnancy would be turning 26 weeks by morning. which also meant i had to stay at the hospital for that long.
but that didn’t last long. on the third day, i had very painful and sudden contractions for every 3 minutes. how cruel was that? Hubz had just stepped out of the room, for like 15 minutes, to head back home that night but i had to phone him to come back. lucky for me, he was still in the building. i called mom and dad too. all the three rushed to me and they called for the doctors.
talking about the doctors. they were horrible S..L…O……W. i felt like pushing already. just to let you know, i was still in the ward. not the delivery suite. so when they finally got me in that mother of all rooms, they found out that baby’s leg were already out. ohh did i tell you baby was in breech position? yea baby was. so i had no choice but to push her out. no epidurals, nothing.
it took me 5 minutes to get her body out. and then the head. the hardest of all. it was already 10 minutes and i almost gave up pushing. Hubz was standing beside me, crying. it was hard, i couldn’t do it. but was scolded, nicely, by the midwife and push i did! hehe. at that kinda moment i could still be so stubborn. unbelievable!
so out baby came on Jan 9 ’08 and her breathing was VERY weak. she had to be resuscitated with the oxygen mask for like 10 minutes and once she was breathing on her own, she was placed into the incubator and pushed to the NICU. i was terribly sad cos i couldn’t hold her in my arms and kiss and breastfeed her like any other moms.
the days in the hospital were boring. i was in a six-bedder ward and seeing other mothers carrying their babies in their arms, kissing them with happy visitors and well-wishers killed me. i had to close the curtain around my bed and i cried my sorrows out.
i gathered my courage after many caring souls told me that my baby will be a fighter and will survive all the hardships. the 3rd day after delivery, i went down to the NICU to pass the nurses the breastmilk that i had expressed in the ward and to visit baby. i had to walk very slowly cos the surgery i had was painful. and the first look at my baby brought tears to my eyes.
she was sooo tiny and sooo pink! the saddest thing was seeing all the tubes and stuffs poked on her helpless body, just to keep her breathing and should i say, to stay alive. i was allowed to open one of the windows to touch baby. so i did and let her know that i was there with her, everything will be all right. i kept talking to her, telling her that she’s very special to me and daddy. no obvious response from her of course. it was hard to contain my feelings but i tried.
fateha @ 4 days old
one doctor was around and she had to break a terrible news to me at my vulnerable state. baby had seizures twice and that triggered her brain to bleed. it could disappear or it could worsen. plus she had Erb’s palsy. my whole life was shattered. how could this happen to my baby???
wooopsssiee!! i just realised that i’ve bragged way too much. this has gotta be a VERY long entry, hasn’t it? i think i shall continue in the next post ya!