Too early for a goodbye…but it’s alright
I was so happy. Delighted. Ecstatic. Exulted.
It was just last month when I found out that I would be having my third bundle of joy. I would be 9 weeks and 2 days pregnant now if everything had gone well. Two weeks ago, I found out that I had a blighted ovum.
I began to see spotting, which later advanced to bleeding the following week. Though many people (even pregnancy websites) would say that bleeding in the early stages of pregnancy was common, I refused to agree. Deep in my heart, I knew something was not right. At the first sight of blood, I immediately rushed myself to A&E to get an examination. When the OBGYN told me that she found no fetal pole or any heartbeat in my pregnancy sac, my heart shattered into smithereens. It was empty. WHY?!?!
She tried to keep my spirits up by saying that baby could be too small to be seen. But I rejected her idea because I was 7 weeks into my pregnancy. How could a fetus not be detected? When I had Fateena at 6 weeks, I could see her so clearly through the intrauterine assessment. Alive and kicking! I knew, I might have lost my baby somewhere.
The OBGYN gave me an appointment to come back after 2 weeks, so that further examination and diagnosis could be done. And before I left her room, she told me to hope for the best and that we could see baby by then. I was not confident of that.
I had anxiety attack that night. I began to worry and thought of the worst thing that could happen to me and baby. I searched high and low for anything that I had done wrong to cause this loss but I found nothing. I cried myself to sleep, in the shower, on the toilet seat, in the taxi, while lying down on the sofa. My thoughts were set adrift on the images of the ultrasound. Empty. I felt empty.
And I continued to bleed. Not heavy but just bleeding. And on 2 occasions, I passed out red clots the size of half of my palm; one was bright red and jelly-like and the other looked like a small placenta, very veiny. Surprisingly, I had no cramps or abdominal pain or whatsoever. So the thought that I might have an ectopic pregnancy was ruled out. Furthermore, the OBGYN could see the sac in my uterus. I began to Google for an answer and the one that was as closed to my experience was that I might be having a blighted ovum. The embryo had an abnormal development hence the body terminated the pregnancy naturally, and passed it out aka spontaneous miscarriage. I watched videos of moms who had blighted ovum, just to get myself mentally prepared, should my results be known.
And then, 3 days ago, I stopped bleeding and I was cleaned. I went for my appointment, with my two girls tagging along. I was up for another intrauterine ultrasound and this was what they found.
And the OBGYN confirmed that I had a spontaneous miscarriage. Looking at my uterus, she told me I did not need to have a D&C (cleaning up) because my uterus was completely empty, cleaned out with no signs of leftover clots or blood. I was glad that it all happened naturally that I did not have to be warded to be sent for a treatment. Alhamdulillah.
No doubt, I was sad. Shattered. My dreams to have an SG50 baby had crumbled. I was so looking forward to having it next year. I would have my baby in July; the same month of my wedding anniversary. Double celebration. But Allah loved my baby and He knew best, that if it continued, there might be problems. I accepted this fate with open heart and sincerity, that it was just not my luck and rizq to have it.
Dear Little Bub,
Thank you, my Angel, for making me happy. To have you in my tummy, although for a short short while, I was glad that I had you. Even though I did not get to see you through the scan, I could feel you in my heart. I knew you were there inside me. Know that Ibu, Ayah and your sisters had already loved you when we found out that you were going to be ours. However, it is not meant to be because Allah loves you more, Angel. That is why He called you home. Stay there, Angel, for where you are right now, is next to your Creator, the best place that ever existed. Paradise is a confirmed home for you.
I see you when I see you.