Give me back my peace…(and sanity)
this is seriously a rant post. i’m not in any right state of mind to determine if it’s my hormones, or my emotions or just plain angry. so let me just rant. this could be what i really want.
i’m standing on the edge of my every nerve while serving my maternity leave. am i facing postpartum depression? *shrug* but everything, every single organism in this house turns me into a monster. let me get it down in details, below.
this is something i cannot deny. i mean, kids are kids. they annoy the very living being in you and this can be done on purpose (or not). one minute they can be so nice to each other, laughing and giggling while playing together and the next minute, they start to bash each other like thunder and lightning. the elder one keeps teasing and disturbing, and the younger one keeps yelling and screaming at the top of her lungs. and while they are at it, the littlest one begins to cry because the eldest two are disturbing his slumber. not only that, his cries also means asking for comfort nursing. and this goes on and on till they go to bed at night.
i try to keep calm every time this happens because i do not want to be stressed and then affect my milk supply. no! however, my emotions always get the best of me. i often take it out on them. i yell, i scold, i punish, i hurl angry words at them. i don’t know where my motherly love has gone to. i cannot find a single strand of patience in me. and i also easily lost my patience at number 2.
having a maid around is never easy. i don’t wanna talk so much about why i employ one because if i have a choice, she will not be what i want in my house. i’d rather manage my own home, kids and family. anyway, this particular maid, my 3rd so far, is one of the biggest headache i have ever had.
she priorities housework more than the kids. she’ll be busy sweeping, mopping, cooking while the kids are running amok playing by themselves. before i delivered the boy, i sat down in the room and had a talk with her. she claimed that she felt ok working here and could cope well. but i knew, from her face and the amount of work she did, she was tired. why? she didn’t know how to manage her work and time well. she liked to do everything at once. from her first day here until now, she would be doing so many things at the same time and then leaving them there, not entirely complete with her housework.
i have been keeping my eyes closed and just let her do her work but something inside me just wants to crawl out and redo what she had done. and that’s not all. if she does any mistakes and either my husband or i point out to her, she will NEVER apologize. she will find every little thing that she can put a blame on or finding whatever excuses she can use. for these nine months of working with us, she has NEVER utter the word “sorry” even for her grievous mistake. she will always begin with “oh i thought this was….”
and recently, she starts to nag at my kids. no, i do not like that! the only nagger in this house is me! no one else can take that spot. and when i ask what was wrong, there she goes blaming the kids. she is the only one in this house who has never done anything wrong. it will either be my fault, hubby’s or the kids’. even if she is the one who broke the plug.
and having a little baby around, even with me sitting next to baby, she can leave whatever she is doing to carry and cuddle the baby. she keeps doing this and it drives me crazy! hello!! i’m here with the baby, you go back and do your work. i’ve told her twice to let the baby in the basket and those were the only times she listened. every time baby squeals or make funny noises when he stretches, she’ll be running to carry him. OMG, she just cannot let the baby be.
if it was up to us employers to do what we want, i would have cleft her with a chainsaw. yes i am THAT mad. so before that happens, i really need something that can keep me at home and that i do not need to go to work anymore. but i don’t mind working from home though, just as long as i don’t have to leave my kids at home with someone whom i cannot see eye to eye with.